warning: this post is gona be v long. if u dont wish to read, its ok. but i guess wen will. i guess only. it doesnt matter. cus i know no one reads anw.

i dont really wana do this but i jus cant face reality. i dont know. its immature to try to escape and avoid. but i dont know. and im using windows msn. i cant appear offline.

im really lousy. i grumble abt being obese all day long. i say i cant be successful. i say im lazy. i say ok i'll do it ltr. i will i will. but i nv do anything abt things i grumble and wish will stop happening or continuing (i.e. weight).

so now i say im lousy. and i say im fat. and out i go to the living room and munch on food. i dont have self-motivation at all. i dont know. all i can tink of is to get pple to finish everything. but its impossible. sigh.

ytd xuan and shan came my hse. hmm was having period and ive lost interest in "entertaining" my friends. ive told a few this. they tink im weird. i said its tiring showing expressions. 5 colleagues asked me if i was ok cus i looked kinda moody on thur and fri. i said im ok. and i smiled. i was really ok. its jus that smiling is tiring? and pointless? nora said everyone laughs and smiles when theres sth funny but i jus frown. she said frowning is more tiring. i dont frown, nora. cus my normal face = frown. maybe work or a lot of stuff really jus accumulate the feeling of... hmm... i jus feel life is kinda meaningless. i tink that with or without me, everyone's lives can still go on. obvi0us i know. so dont tell me no. cus i can bet u a million this is true. im jus a passerby. hah. passerby no. 4.2 mil. nvm.

in the past, i used to organize activities, and i dont know wat else but i cld tell pple enjoyed my company. not anymore i guess. cus im not the same old "funny" pat anymore. its not wat u say that made me realised but its wat i feel also. do i like life like this? i dont know. but theres nth much i can do. cus trying to lead a life happy isnt that easy for me anymore. yes, you may say im bringing everything upon myself. but i dont know how to bring everything away from myself. why cant pple jus let me be? if everyone is the same, why wld pple commit suicide, go to jail, murder someone, be an outcast, be a nuisance? maybe im evolving to one of the above-mentioned.

does anyone even care if theres a meet-up? does anyone even care if i disappear? i really feel that sometimes, u shldnt even do anything at all in the first place so u wont even get disappointed in the end. i mean, take for example, u spent some time and effort doing sth, not hoping to get appreciation actually. but in the end, you get upset cus you get disappointment from pple and this links to you tinking, no one even bothers or appreciates.

and sometimes, u care for a particular someone and tell him/her that u miss him/her and hope you can meet up soon. u get no response. so tell me, shld u even have msged at the beginning? no. u shldnt. cus if u didnt, u wldnt feel how im feeling right now.

i guess all these happen all the time and its normal. but all these shld nv happen to someone who is like, always near the border of depression. yah scold me if u wan to. scold me. i dont care. and yah. i dont change. im immature im hopeless. i brought everything upon myself. i jus wana lock myself in the room watching videos all day long. i dont need friends who dont need me.

so i was talking abt ytd. i quarrelled with patrick and went bugis with philip. it was really my fault i guess. i wanted him to acc me go get a wallet cus fickle me cant seem to make up my mind. and he waited for me from 1 till abt 6. he got angry. but we are ok now i tink.

arranged to watch movie with cousins aft that so philip rushed thru his kfc and we walked briskly back home. i called wh upon boarding the bus and he said he had not bought the tics yet. it was 8.30. and the movie was starting at 9.20. they said its kinda exp and they asked me if i really wanted to watch. i said anything. but i was disappointed. disappointment always comes when i have hopes. u know i dont have high hopes. but i cant even hope for anything. like simple simple stuff that i wish i can do. but i jus cant. i dont blame anyone but myself for this. really. who asked me to hope or wish for anything right?

i didnt know if i shld still rush or jus walk slowly back home from bus stop. i forgot wat i did. and when i went home, i told myself, its ok... with or without a movie is ok. and so i switched on my laptop and decided to find sth to do. then wh called. he said the movie is on. i didnt know wat to feel and i jus went for the movie.

norbit was not as good as wat they say. but i hope they enjoyed. to me, its jus er xin. my mouth was left unclosed most of the time.

i wana watch seducing mr. perfect, music and lyrics and half nelson! who wans to watch with me? nobody. its ok. i can watch myself.