i just edited the prev entry. im feeling v v tired now and i think the below rubbish that i'll be typing might not truly reflect how i feel.
is this the kind of life that i really want?
i can be v logical and objective. i always can view things that are happening to me or btwn me and other pple, from a third person's pt of view. this angered my old friend a lot a lot. haha. she hated it when i made things sound as if im not involved at all.
i think i really understand a few pple in my life quite well and i know what they are thinking. whether they actually feel inferior deep down or whether they feel... whatever. inferiority reminds me of LLF. haha today was a happy day for us. i shld say, a shld-be-happy day for me. damn sian la. i bought 2 apple juice with aloe vera and i didnt cap one of them properly so... my things in the bag were drowned in it. stupid things always happen to me. the other day, i forgot when and i cant be bothered to recall. ok fine. its wed. after my mktg paper and talking to ade and desiree, all i wanted to do was go home eat dinner and slp. however, HOWEVER, THE STUPID TRAIN TOOK FREAKING 1.5HRS TO REACH AMK AND IT TOLD ME TO GET DOWN AND TAKE BUS HOME. ok sorry. not only me but everyone else. i dont really care abt the rest bcus i was really tired. esp those who didnt give up their seats to me, i dont really care abt you you you. it so happened that yp was at amk too! hahaha gw told me he was stuck. SINCE THE BUS QUEUE WAS 1KM LONG (I SWEAR), yp cldnt take it and said he was super hungry after tennis, so i went for hokkien mee with him even though i had alrd eaten 2 breadtalk bread. yes yes. what a pig. ive been eating a lot of van houten chocs too cus guardian's selling two for 3.80! damn cheap! finally, i reached my doorstep at 10.30? my paper at expo ended at 5.30 btw. yea thanks for the sympathy. i really need it.
shit la LLF. you reading this? my nails are badly scratched!!! all my nails. cus of typing and stuff. i think the top coat they used is quite cui kind. haha today me and LFF went town to shop, do pedi and mani and pluck eyebrows! woohoo! i wanna get the dp white top, maybe similar ones, the zara skirt? the nautica striped shoes? and i wanna go vivo! LLF has PERFECT LEGS AND BODY. her figure v good lor. her legs are amazing. she looks damn nice in short skirts!! but she doesnt wear skirts. wth. shld flaunt her assets what. next time i take photo show you. haha bcus of the manicure, we were like handicapped pple. we cldnt take money out from our wallets and the eyebrow pple had to help us. we cldnt try clothes and shoes either. anw, nth nice in town. things are either too exp/not worth it or not nice. plus LLF kept saying, this one online can get cheaper. that one online also have. LLF = long-lost friend btw hahaha.
ok i think im not v tired anymore though i only slept for a few hrs this morn. i wanted to slp early! i didnt want to blank out again! but i just cldnt slp. sian right. tossing and turning in bed for 3hrs is horrible. maybe i was too excited abt the things i wanna do after the paper ends. i wanna go ikea, facial and shopping! i wanna slack and watch tv and reply all smses properly and promptly. anw, i went amk macs to study from 4-11 by myself. good right. and i thought i cld get 2nd upper class. wth. i did one qn wrongly. damnit. damn damn silly mistk. pls pls give me 2nd lower? i really desperately need it. hai. wish i cld retake accts msm and marketing. which is er, all. argh. nvm no pt harping on it. but trust me, i wld have gotten first class if i had spent more time on msm. i only took 8hrs. hahaha. it doesnt sound like i even deserve 2nd lower but pls. everyone will be getting 1st class for this module. its pretty easy.
back to the original topic (yea i digressed a lot a lot), i was on fbk chking out friends updates and i saw ubin's photos. not mine. my friends'. seeing their happiness makes me feel that everyone has his/her bunch of new & good friends now and is leading a new life with these pple and they dont need me anymore? everyone's making changes in their lives and becoming better. doing things that are more fun and entertaining. im the only one not keeping up with changes and lagging behind time. im still so boring and conservative and a know-nothing and having no life. it also seems like ive drifted apart from my friends and it seems like i dont really care. i guess it seems like i dont really care bcus im not doing anything. but you know? sometimes when i wanna do sth, seeing or hearing or knowing certain things just makes me feel like, sigh nvm. forget it. i shld just move on with my own life. i'll try and study even more then. sounds selfish hor. also sounds like an escapist. yea i am. i always say it. furthermore, i feel v different from them. the difference is getting greater and greater. its making me taking steps backwards. im not a fun person to be with and i know it. i dont really want my friends to lead a boring life with me and do boring things with me. eat watch movie eat watch movie. life isnt just abt these two activities right? well, ive always been like this. and i dont think i'll be changing. i love heart-to-hearts and conversations which make me feel tight to the person. convos with van always make me feel thats the reason why we are friends! haha. my life is really all abt slacking and doing nth more than that. im just fat and lazy and greedy and boring. take it or leave it. and i think im moving backwards bcus... i dont wanna be compared and im alrd comparing it myself. im inferior rem? i know what im like and what it's like being with me so pls dont tell me things i alrd know.
however, its true i feel v waste-time going out sometimes when i feel i shld be studying instead. its just so hard for me. to go out or to study. of cus i'll choose study cus it makes me feel better.
i do get sad and disappointed and i feel neglected or non-existent in their lives sometimes too. i may seem pro-active and all but thats bcus i try to make the effort. im actually quite passive. when you make the effort, you shldnt expect the other person to reciprocate but somehow, you still hope he/she will. or they. i also want attention from my friends. i like it when my friends send smses, indirectly telling me they rem me and still care abt me. i rem i used to complain to char and kent abt a friend neglecting me. i do care when my friend neglects me bcus things dont feel the same anymore. you rather go out with them than us. you always prioritise them. and if i wanna meet you, you ask if i wanna join them. i dont like. all these are from past experiences. not that its happening. dont worry. again, like the prev entry, just let it be. you cant expect pple to change for you. and you know what, change is non-existent. seriously. when pple talk abt changes, its a lie. nobody shld tell you he/she is gg to change or will change bcus it wont come true. the change shld come naturally. er this is how i always feel la.
teck is talking to me online now and hes really my buddy buddy la. for the past few mths, he makes me feel like im still sth to someone. i really like him as my friend. really. i dont expect much from the other guys. guys are just... guys. all i want is, appreciation.
hmm well, i guess, its a yes. this is the life that i want. since i've changed it, i shall keep it the way it is. haha i know the conclusion is kinda random but i wanna stop typing and go toilet. maybe i wanted to stop being pro-active and be passive, however, expectedly & unexpectedly, passive = nth from the other side.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
im gg to be damn fat. a taxi driver told me if you eat too much coconut milk, you'll have a big butt. omg. ytd's lunch was curry rice. teabreak was mini rice dumplings in coconut milk at lerk thai. snack was garlic bread and a nap immediately after. dinner was curry rice again.
today's lunch was laksa and a 4hr nap str after. dinner was curry rice again. im sorry. i really really love curry this much. sigh. sorry pat! sorry to my fat body.
its so weird how friendly my new friends are. they are like planning a ktv after my last paper. i didnt expect their plans to include me. there's also some sentosa trip. i never really liked gg out with my friends' friends cus i dont like them to be talking to the person and not me or talking to me and not that person. i dont like it when im out with my friends and the bf/gf comes along and keeps quiet. if he/she is friendly, i think its not that bad. i dont like it when im out with my friends and suddenly, someone else we dont really know v well appears and our friend didnt inform us before we meet up and im not v close to that person or i think that person shldnt even appear bcus its a meeting meant for just us? but this kinda thing, just let it be... and it'll be over. unless it keeps happening then i think i'll not like to hang out with you as often cus its not a just-us thing anymore. i'll wonder, will it happen again? btw, whatever i said applies sometimes. sometimes only. depending on my mood i guess. i can be quite grumpy and irritable.
i think studying is ok. but i still try to avoid if possible cus i dont really like meeting new pple due to my inferior complexity. so far, things been ok and this year, ive made like 10 or more new friends from sch! i dont think i'll be maintaining the friendships though i feel bad la. its like, you only talk to the person when you need to. rgd sch stuff etc. v bad hor. liz can do it lor. i wonder how she manages to have so many friends! shes mad. i dont even have time for my current friends. i think i have time but i just dont know how to manage. the worse thing is, i'll still be getting damn cui exam results. damn sian. think i dont study smartly. sigh. im gg to retake my accounts for sure. so disappointed with myself. i dont know how come i forgot all the formulae and layout but the next day after the paper, everything was so clear in my head! what the hell right. sigh. whatever. i can never work under stressful situations and if there's a time constraint, omg i tell you. i sure cork up like mad. nvm.
on a lighter note, im alrd in a post-exam mood. hahaha this is quite a bad note to make. im making plans to meet up with my friends before starting work. the last time i saw the guys was the night before neo left. we had supper at thomson prata hse and yp said he felt that my driving was ok even though kun and kent kept asking him to bao zhong = take care & good luck. stupid boys. but i miss them!
btw, whoever is my friend and is reading this (im v sure no more than 5 pple read my blog but ya), i'll be starting work on 1st june! i'll only tell you what it is if you ask. but im sure i'll be meeting up with everyone i want to meet up with anw, before i start work. :) i look forward to next next wk! hehe. its the week of freedom! haha though i still have one last paper on 26th. ive got dinners to go to alrd. i love meeting up with pple i want to.
i think im quite lucky. i have a few friends looking for a job snc its their sch hols now and my sim friends also want a job for our 3-month sch hols but i alrd have one waiting for me to start! but i know when i grad, i'll be spending months looking for a job that pays reasonably and i like. as if opportunities will come knocking on my door again. most prob will end up somewhere i can make do with snc i dont know what i like yet. that totally sounds like me. unambitious. ok la. i want advertising or events or magazines. but im not creative. so sad.
im thking of starting work earlier actually. i dont think i need rest. though i also think i shld rest la. i work so hard for what. hmmmm... sigh. nvm. sometimes i wish everyone will not take things i say to heart then i can say anything i want about you and everything i feel. however, i just cant do it cus nobody can take it. im how strforward. so, i'll just keep quiet and try not to care abt anything bcus i know i can. i can ignore whoever i want to ignore and i can stop talking to you forever if i want to. i can lead a life of my own. obviously i'll still talk to the pple i need to - my colleagues, my bosses, my family. other than that, i think its ok. ive stopped craving for movies and food anyway. these two activities require friends. for me at least. but im also happy staying home and forcing flips to watch dvds with me haha. and he'll love to eat with me too. i dont really need a social life. dont worry. i'll still be friends with a few pple i want to remain friends with haha.
haha nvm. i dont know what this post is about and it seems like im talking nonsense. today, i slept so much but i was still v irritated cus the weather is crazy hot! and my mum kept talking to me non-stop abt whatever that's happening in her life and in her friends' lives and i cant study. i'll be meeting LFF and ade and mel to study on mon so i hope it'll be a productive day though er. nvm. hai.
ok! im gg to watch tv. hehe last ep!! i love MARS and RAINIE!
at
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Woke to soundsI prayed you were thereI fell back downBut I'm sure you still careIt must have been goodThis can't be for goodEverything's o-...Is everything ok?I waited, oh I, oh IWaited, oh I, oh IOh I must be too dumb to be proudCause I waited, waited
at
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
omg i just spent 5hrs trying to resolve the stupid msn issue. i dled the new msn 2009 which totally sucks and you cant even uninstall it. wth. so i sought help from my best friend - the Internet and tried a billion ways just so that i can log in to msn. damn waste time right. but i hate to leave things lying there like that. im so glad this isnt happening on wed. but i dont think i'll be online on wed anyway. its the eve of my first paper. sian.
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You're gone from here, soon you will disappearFading into beautiful lightCos everybody's changing and I don't feel rightSo little timeTry to understand that I'mTrying to make a move just to stay in the gameI try to stay awake and remember my nameBut everybody's changing and I don't feel the same
at
Monday, May 04, 2009
disgusting.
i feel nauseous seeing you.
well, i need to study anyway so... i'll hide!
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sigh. wasted half a day travelling to tiong bahru.
at
Friday, May 01, 2009
:) the two songs on my blog's playlist make me really happy. ive been listening to them since ytd while studying. trying to study, i mean. sigh. ive been slacking since last fri. the day i met up with rach and chuns. :( its really quite bad. i slept my whole aftnn away. ive been slping my everyday away. hai.
taken from wen's blog:
Sometimes there's so much to rant,but when the content becomes more than necessary,stories are distorted and issues are blown out of proportion.Sometimes escaping seems the best option,because escaping the situation equals escaping the negative emotionsand there's a sense of zen, a sense of independence, a sense of relief.Sometimes I just want to stop thinking, stop wondering, stop having to decide.I want to get on with my life.i totally agree with the first paragraph and the next two totally fit me.
on sunday night, as usual, i couldnt sleep. er its mon morn actually. while tossing and turning in bed, neo sent a sms at 3am which said sth like, hey friends! by the time you read this sms, i should be in the plane to new york now. i swear i almost cried. that idiot girl! she sent the sms 6hrs before the actual boarding time. wth right.
me char van and kw still made it to the airport in time! even though she told us the flight changed to an hr earlier at the last min. i had to wake up at 7. clever me told xuan to give me a morn call since she wakes up at 6 every morn. very poor thing hor. so damn early la. thats my slping time. me and char were damn lucky! we took cab and we expected a jam but! the traffic was quite light! even the cab uncle said we're lucky girls hahahaha.
i was damn tired after that la. i only slept like 3hrs. char too. and she had to fly to bkk in the evening. so now, two of my good friends are away. i hope they are safe. esp neo. the swine flu and the 4-day peru trek. but i'm sure they'll be safe! :)
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