i just edited the prev entry. im feeling v v tired now and i think the below rubbish that i'll be typing might not truly reflect how i feel.

is this the kind of life that i really want?

i can be v logical and objective. i always can view things that are happening to me or btwn me and other pple, from a third person's pt of view. this angered my old friend a lot a lot. haha. she hated it when i made things sound as if im not involved at all.

i think i really understand a few pple in my life quite well and i know what they are thinking. whether they actually feel inferior deep down or whether they feel... whatever. inferiority reminds me of LLF. haha today was a happy day for us. i shld say, a shld-be-happy day for me. damn sian la. i bought 2 apple juice with aloe vera and i didnt cap one of them properly so... my things in the bag were drowned in it. stupid things always happen to me. the other day, i forgot when and i cant be bothered to recall. ok fine. its wed. after my mktg paper and talking to ade and desiree, all i wanted to do was go home eat dinner and slp. however, HOWEVER, THE STUPID TRAIN TOOK FREAKING 1.5HRS TO REACH AMK AND IT TOLD ME TO GET DOWN AND TAKE BUS HOME. ok sorry. not only me but everyone else. i dont really care abt the rest bcus i was really tired. esp those who didnt give up their seats to me, i dont really care abt you you you. it so happened that yp was at amk too! hahaha gw told me he was stuck. SINCE THE BUS QUEUE WAS 1KM LONG (I SWEAR), yp cldnt take it and said he was super hungry after tennis, so i went for hokkien mee with him even though i had alrd eaten 2 breadtalk bread. yes yes. what a pig. ive been eating a lot of van houten chocs too cus guardian's selling two for 3.80! damn cheap! finally, i reached my doorstep at 10.30? my paper at expo ended at 5.30 btw. yea thanks for the sympathy. i really need it.

shit la LLF. you reading this? my nails are badly scratched!!! all my nails. cus of typing and stuff. i think the top coat they used is quite cui kind. haha today me and LFF went town to shop, do pedi and mani and pluck eyebrows! woohoo! i wanna get the dp white top, maybe similar ones, the zara skirt? the nautica striped shoes? and i wanna go vivo! LLF has PERFECT LEGS AND BODY. her figure v good lor. her legs are amazing. she looks damn nice in short skirts!! but she doesnt wear skirts. wth. shld flaunt her assets what. next time i take photo show you. haha bcus of the manicure, we were like handicapped pple. we cldnt take money out from our wallets and the eyebrow pple had to help us. we cldnt try clothes and shoes either. anw, nth nice in town. things are either too exp/not worth it or not nice. plus LLF kept saying, this one online can get cheaper. that one online also have. LLF = long-lost friend btw hahaha.

ok i think im not v tired anymore though i only slept for a few hrs this morn. i wanted to slp early! i didnt want to blank out again! but i just cldnt slp. sian right. tossing and turning in bed for 3hrs is horrible. maybe i was too excited abt the things i wanna do after the paper ends. i wanna go ikea, facial and shopping! i wanna slack and watch tv and reply all smses properly and promptly. anw, i went amk macs to study from 4-11 by myself. good right. and i thought i cld get 2nd upper class. wth. i did one qn wrongly. damnit. damn damn silly mistk. pls pls give me 2nd lower? i really desperately need it. hai. wish i cld retake accts msm and marketing. which is er, all. argh. nvm no pt harping on it. but trust me, i wld have gotten first class if i had spent more time on msm. i only took 8hrs. hahaha. it doesnt sound like i even deserve 2nd lower but pls. everyone will be getting 1st class for this module. its pretty easy.

back to the original topic (yea i digressed a lot a lot), i was on fbk chking out friends updates and i saw ubin's photos. not mine. my friends'. seeing their happiness makes me feel that everyone has his/her bunch of new & good friends now and is leading a new life with these pple and they dont need me anymore? everyone's making changes in their lives and becoming better. doing things that are more fun and entertaining. im the only one not keeping up with changes and lagging behind time. im still so boring and conservative and a know-nothing and having no life. it also seems like ive drifted apart from my friends and it seems like i dont really care. i guess it seems like i dont really care bcus im not doing anything. but you know? sometimes when i wanna do sth, seeing or hearing or knowing certain things just makes me feel like, sigh nvm. forget it. i shld just move on with my own life. i'll try and study even more then. sounds selfish hor. also sounds like an escapist. yea i am. i always say it. furthermore, i feel v different from them. the difference is getting greater and greater. its making me taking steps backwards. im not a fun person to be with and i know it. i dont really want my friends to lead a boring life with me and do boring things with me. eat watch movie eat watch movie. life isnt just abt these two activities right? well, ive always been like this. and i dont think i'll be changing. i love heart-to-hearts and conversations which make me feel tight to the person. convos with van always make me feel thats the reason why we are friends! haha. my life is really all abt slacking and doing nth more than that. im just fat and lazy and greedy and boring. take it or leave it. and i think im moving backwards bcus... i dont wanna be compared and im alrd comparing it myself. im inferior rem? i know what im like and what it's like being with me so pls dont tell me things i alrd know.

however, its true i feel v waste-time going out sometimes when i feel i shld be studying instead. its just so hard for me. to go out or to study. of cus i'll choose study cus it makes me feel better.

i do get sad and disappointed and i feel neglected or non-existent in their lives sometimes too. i may seem pro-active and all but thats bcus i try to make the effort. im actually quite passive. when you make the effort, you shldnt expect the other person to reciprocate but somehow, you still hope he/she will. or they. i also want attention from my friends. i like it when my friends send smses, indirectly telling me they rem me and still care abt me. i rem i used to complain to char and kent abt a friend neglecting me. i do care when my friend neglects me bcus things dont feel the same anymore. you rather go out with them than us. you always prioritise them. and if i wanna meet you, you ask if i wanna join them. i dont like. all these are from past experiences. not that its happening. dont worry. again, like the prev entry, just let it be. you cant expect pple to change for you. and you know what, change is non-existent. seriously. when pple talk abt changes, its a lie. nobody shld tell you he/she is gg to change or will change bcus it wont come true. the change shld come naturally. er this is how i always feel la.

teck is talking to me online now and hes really my buddy buddy la. for the past few mths, he makes me feel like im still sth to someone. i really like him as my friend. really. i dont expect much from the other guys. guys are just... guys. all i want is, appreciation.

hmm well, i guess, its a yes. this is the life that i want. since i've changed it, i shall keep it the way it is. haha i know the conclusion is kinda random but i wanna stop typing and go toilet. maybe i wanted to stop being pro-active and be passive, however, expectedly & unexpectedly, passive = nth from the other side.