i jus woke up! wanted to go ktv ever since last wk but no one is free... wh. go tmr? hahaa.

a lot happened this wk. i spent a lot. i took taxi to work EVERYDAY and broke the record (finally). mum gave me money to buy pillows last last wk. 50 bucks. its gone. colleague gave me 70 to buy birks. its gone. friends returned me money for kent's bday adidas jacket. its gone. i haven gone shopping for wks. wheres the money ar? sometimes i wonder if any of the temp staff took cus i leave my wallet lying arnd and i nv chk how many ten dollar notes i have. that day i thought there were 7. and the next morn there were only 4. or did i drop anywhere cus my big pink nike is super messy.

kent's adidas! nice hor. wy and gw chose it.


then on mon, sth happened at work. only two know abt it. i cried like mad on mon. the next day, i didnt talk at all to anyone at work. and i refused to tell anyone wat happened until that night. lina was great. i burst out right aft we got down the bus. i really was feeling v miserable. and this feeling, only reminds me of xuehui. so on mon & tue, every feeling and pain that i had, it jus doubled up. every min at work, i felt like crying.

anw. for the mon's issue, i will jus ignore him. and wat he told others abt me. how i backstabbed him. a traitor etc. he only came for abt 2 wks. i will not clarify anything with anyone bcus i feel it will jus deepen the misunderstanding. i guess, damian and lina and yvonne are right, pple who know me wont judge me based on wat he said.

imagine, a 2wk relationship can cause me so much misery and guilt, wat abt a 2yr one? all i wanted was forgiveness from the guy. and it applies for the latter.

was on friendster and saw my old friend's profile. sth had happened to her i guess and the thought of msging her to ask hows everything flashed across my mind. it flashed and nv reoccur again. i know if i msg her out of concern with sincerity, all i get wld be either, no reply, or shes fine. not that i expect much but i know she will say it and anw, it doesnt matter anymore whether i ask abt her or not.

i have learnt not to have hopes in life, cus at least a hundred times before, i gave myself hope and got disappointed. sometimes they tell u, dont hope ar. i dont wan to give u any. but subconciously, u gave urself.

i have learnt not to feel anything. if nobody comes to work, its fine with me. i had appeared at work alone before. so much feelings u have, only u are suffering. zarina is always comparing, narrowminded, petty, and shes unhappy. not us.

zarina is hospitalised. i dont know wat to feel. then the laosai girl is totally freaky. i sincerely hope she can stop acting so close to me. but i know i was v rude. i do feel bad. maybe its immaturity. i shld handle it in a better way. hmm...

someone said before, i have v strange thinking and analysis. i agree. but i dont think my feelings are wrong sometimes. i really do think so. though most of the time, i contradict. but its jus me, i wana be firm i wana change i wana try and end up, i will fail. when i say shes bad, i will relent and give in and say, maybe shes... maybe she... maybe... humans all are good right. i sound angelic right. its true la. i really always try and find excuses for the wrong things pple did. including myself...... hai...

lisa said i gained weight again. drivers advised me to go exercise. hai. i ate pratas for dinner on mon, mos for dinner on wed, durians on thur, and fri was sakae plus bk onion rings and chix cheese sticks!!!

mum cooked a lot this evening. steamed white chicken, broccoli and cauliflower with prawns, mushrooms and fishballs, omelette and a big plate of sambal prawns. can we finish?

for a long time, i haven smiled at work. i feel neither happy nor unhappy. i feel nth...