for once, i have a title - to jump or not to jump?

hi. my name is patricia. im 21 this year and im an unhappy girl. my colleagues think im happy and optimistic by nature. as for my friends, i do not know what they think of me cus they always think the positive and say the positive of me to me. my family members think im hot-tempered, impatient, immature, lazy, messy, dirty, fat, selfish, not very clever and many more. they are right. out of my friends, only one has seen my true colors.

i have only one photo of myself when i was a toddler. memories of my childhood are 90% forgotten. i only remember that we lived in a kampung with my grandma and my dad was a contractor. my aunt took care of me when i was in kindergarten and her daughter was my playmate. we were in the same class and we always topped the class. one year, i got a barbie doll. my mum refused to throw it away but i thought it was very useless and i threw it away last year. my uncle was very strict towards his kids and me. he would make us sit 3 metres from the tv so that our eyesight would not fail. fyi, his daughter is currently short-sighted. i always took almost an hr or more to finish my dinner and my impatient uncle would switch off the lights and let me eat alone in the kitchen, crying. sometimes, he would use the water hose to discipline his son. and the only thing i remember abt his son is that, he was the person who recommended me my first english song - "killing me softly". i thought that was the best english song ever. we had no cd players or maybe there was no cd player then. i would rewind the cassette tape to the beginning of the song and replay.

when i was in psch, we moved to the urban area - HDB. my mum would fetch me from school everyday but we would not go home. she would sit around with the other mothers under blk 276 and gossip. and me, i would be playing with the kids of the mothers. fun afternoons. should be. once, i was standing with my mum. one aunty suddenly screamed and pointed at my shirt. there was blood. haha my nose was bleeding. i think that was the first and last time my nose bled.

its interesting staying in HDB area. you hear a lot of gossips and you see a lot of interesting things. i had this neighbour who was very messy and lazy and untidy? she was so lazy to clean her fridge that she bought another one to put the new groceries. you cant imagine how dirty and smelly the first fridge is right? i remember her youngest daughter's mouth was swollen one morning cus it was bitten by ants. reason: she did not wash her mouth after eating lollipop or sth.

in school, i had a lot of friends in class. i was never alone. i was a social butterfly and i could click with anyone from any clique. i was also ok with the guys. i dont think i ever told anyone when i had crushes and stuff. i just kept quiet. but in psch, every girl would have a crush la. and we always compared the brands of our pens. g-tech was the most high-class pen. not forgetting shaker. me and patrick always had to beg our mum to buy us shakers. we used to go shop tgt quite a bit. our saturdays would be out shopping with our aunt who was staying opposite us then. our sundays would be dinners outside.

though i had a lot of friends, i was also very gossipy? i got scolded by my classmate's mum once. i totally dont remember why but i remember she called our house and she scolded till i cry. that classmate is called ivan. i still remember our phone was on the floor, in one dark corner of the house.

we were quite well-to-do and i was always lending money to my friends or treating them. sometimes they never returned. but i was still happy. i guess it was just 50cents?

oh yah. i had a secret crush on my cousin's friend. his grandma stayed opposite my blk. he has a mole. he used to play soccer at the field opposite my room every sat afternoon and silly me wld just stand at the window, and watch him play. haha. his grandma passed away few yrs back i think. the last time i saw him was when i walked past the funeral lor. damn long ago.

anyway, the above sums up my childhood and the annoucement of my psle results led me to my teenagehood, where i met a lot of girls. only girls. haha. i got 265 for my psle but i wasnt the best. i think the papers were easy la. i insisted on going stnicks though my parents did not agree. er. crazy dad did suggest nanyang girls but the sch fees are so high.

on the first day of school, a few pple moved away from me cus they thought i was very unfriendly. er. actually, thats all i remember abt my sec 1 and 2. but again, i was a social butterfly and i was always changing my good friends? sth like that la. dont really remember. but sch was fun. we had a lot of activities like food and fun fair, garage sale, sports day etc. i love painting banners. i love team work. i love unity. xuan should know cus i love shows that unite people. i love happy endings.

my cca was library. i was never good in sports. i was lazy. and i hated exercising. i loved softball and badminton though. we used to play a lot of that in sch. actually, i always wanted to join either eldds or cldds. which is english drama and dance society or chinese drama and dance society? i did go for the interview for the cldds but i was very rude to the interviewer and she was quite pissed. (omg this is sth which i just remembered!) library was ok but i didnt really talk to the people there. and i really dont suit library cus we have to whisper in libraries and im so loudmouthed. few days before our o levels, mrs tan siew kim, the library oic, came in to the class, and reminded loudly that i owe her 86 hours of library service. sigh. i can never quit the habit of skipping.

but i regret not trying to play sports. i like actually. other than running. i just felt inferior. and i knew if i had tried, i would just fail. so why bother trying? i should just pretend that i dont like. i spent my whole life putting on a false front, pretending i hate sports. but i know i will like it if i do well. now that im so fat and lazy, i... sigh...

i was a bad daughter and a bad student. i made my mum cry and i made myself cry a lot. i spent a lot on movies and sushi. i was always home late. my maths was always failing and my chinese teacher was always scolding me. yu lao shi called me a rat. michelle lim called me a bull or sth. sigh. and preparation for o levels was slack. i spent most of my time avoiding phone calls. erm. i shall not elaborate on this cus i think i was really stupid. but chars should know what happened - terrorism.

results announced and we graduated. my parents were very disappointed. didnt keep in contact with majority but i think i met up with sab chan a few times? i dont remember. sab went oi and she got closer to rachel chunsi wen and all and i was just alone most of the time. haha i dont rem much la. but i was ok. i wasnt depressed and i didnt feel lonely. i worked in astoria for abt 7 months and i enjoyed. karen recommended me the job. everyone i met was nice to me. why do i always think my colleagues are nice? or isit bcus like what my mum just said, im too innocent? i think that everyone is kind in nature. sometimes its v hard to understand why some pple act the way they acted. including myself. sigh. life...

poly was great. i love my poly life a lot. i really think i always meet nice pple. i love proj work. i love team work. and the 4th and 5th sems were the best ever. i was much slimmer. somehow, i lost a lot of weight. attachment was ok also. sigh. theres too much abt poly that i wana say but i guess, everyone remembers. all the silly things we wld do. all the time we spent tgt. the amt of macs we ate. not forgetting the 25ct ice cream cone. the no. of nights we stayed back in the labs. the no. of movies i watched. the rides home. laughing so loudly while other passengers were sleeping. looking forward to lunch. gossiping abt kimfong kimhock luohanyu alien girl. rushing to book pcs. slacking in empty tut rooms. the no. of mos and kfc meals. the no. of klunches. the hrs of lects i skipped. the no. of hrs i was late for tuts. preparations for rain and shine day. chalets. bbq. sigh. i really really wished that amt of time cld be doubled. we never dread going school. and i feel i prioritised my poly more than sec sch friends. neo knows. sigh. the kind of life i led, happy... carefree... i was really a happy girl. there was no quarrelling. no arguments.

too bad, we are all forced to grow up. we had to graduate and leave for the workforce. once ur in the working society, time just moves so fast that sometimes, you feel like you achieve nth. i loved my job when i was a full timer. i dont mind my job now though but theres no sense of satisfaction/achievement and i feel quite useless. but work helps me pass my days. otherwise, i wld be at home, in my room. my family thinks i prioritise friends. maybe i do. but even if i dont, im always in my room, in a daze. i think abt a lot of things. i think abt too much.

to jump or not to jump? it seems v easy to just jump from the 12th floor and die. but its really irresponsible. i was thinking abt what my snr exec told me on fri. shes on leave for the next 13 days and she told me i hafta try help arnd a bit. i nv think that my family and friends will miss me. i just think that, by right, they would. and when i die, will i be able to see whos there at my funeral?

death seems easy but not so. it takes a lot of courage to take that step. and after taking that step, you also nv know if life wld be easier. i mean, nobody knows what happens in hell or heaven. sigh. but a mean person like me is definitely going hell la.

on thur, on my way home, i was sitting in the 2nd row of the bus. my bus almost got into an accident. i wasnt scared. i was thinking, shit. so wasted la. why didnt an accident happen? and sometimes, when i cross the road, i just wished the cars would go faster and accidentally hit me or sth. its funny right. how some pple can have such negative thoughts. and i know what are the positive ones. but i just prefer the negatives.

today, i was thinking abt the pple i hope wld appear at my funeral. shld be quite a lot. i think more than 100. which is good la. when a person dies, the pple who love her will cry. but after that, they know that shes really gone and the crying stops. its really all for the better. it doesnt really hurt either party right? when my grandma passed away, i was v sad. but i know, shes really dead and theres nth i can do. it will be the same for mine.

im not v close to any of my friends now and im quite ok with it. i drifted away from a few close ones but im ok with it also. everyones busy with their life. me too. ive been busy slacking. thinking abt the crimes i committed, the sins, and not a single chance to wear a yellow ribbon. things ive done cant be undone, things ive lost cant be recovered, things ive said cant be retracted. i really am almost 80% a murderer. it'll be 100% with a corpse.

i always have this plan. to plan when to die. but every week, there seems to be a task waiting to be done the following week. and i will just postpone. i still cant let go. i can never commit suicide can i?

but im sick of life. im sick of myself. like how bad my character is. and how fat i am. how unfair life is. the expectations of myself, of others. the huge stack of notes that i gotta conquer. the amt of fats i gotta try and start to destroy. the wishes of others i gotta fulfil. so everyone is happy everyone is pleased everyone got what they want and lead the life the way they want and how abt me? does anyone realise im not that happy? does anyone really help me or everyone just says, dont think so much la. things will be ok. so did things become ok? nobody cares. bcus its my life. but of cus, i cant expect others to do anything cus its my life. but why? isit bcus i dont care abt others also? isit bcus i cant be happy?

nobody agrees with me when i say im not as chatty as before. nobody believes me. isit bcus they nv care? or isit bcus they dont wana care? just by not agreeing, you can assume im happy and leave me alone.

i guess the world is right. i do not deserve any sincere care or concern from pple. why? bcus i always bully others ma. i bully xuan ma. i bully my bro ma. but wasnt i being bullied? i wld get slaps in sec sch. and insults from friends for fun. from colleagues. just bcus everyone thinks i dont mind? i know its all my fault. cus from the start, i appear to everyone i dont mind. k fine. i cannot grumble cus its my own fault anw. and its also my fault that i think i cant be happy when i can. right? sigh. whatever... its really my fault then.

trust me when i say to jump is for the better. it really ends your own troubles. but not others'. i guess its really selfish but only selfish people are happy. its true. only selfish people are happy... and me? i try to be selfish, i want to be selfish. but i cant seem to do it. others just seem so guilty-free when being selfish. sigh.

the post was meant to just tell everyone abt my life. but i digressed too much and thanks for reading. i know you're bored.