hi,

it was supposed to be a happy day yesterday but i dont know. i was a little unhappy. not with anyone else but myself.

i guess i need to be the old me to meet my own expectations of myself.
this year, i decided to heck care and just do and say whatever i wanna do and say. but now, i think it isnt right.
i need to be a friend-pleaser.
i need to portray a positive image every min im with my friends.
i need to be less sarcastic and be more careful with my words.
i need to learn to care more and have better EQ.
cus, whenever someone hurts me with his/her words, i've never realised, i've hurt him/her a billion times before with my curtness. this is a valid reason why i shldnt be upset at all bcus its just bad karma.

well, whatever it is. i shld feel happy that everything was almost a success. except the fact that, kent commented there wasnt enough satay and... i dont know? the chicken and stingray sucked and my photos were badly taken and not many either. i hope teckguan is able to send me his.

expectations and expectations. everything just leads to disappointment and unhappiness.
maybe i shld learn to let go... and be contented with whatever.
i need to be less calculative. was i like this before? i dont know. maybe.

on fri, patrick helped to get most of the bbq food and it lightened my workload a lot. i almost died carrying the chicken etc from amk hub home the same evening. dinner was breadtalk's garlic bread plus ba chor mee and its supposedly qt famous but it wasnt nice. the garlic bread was weird too cus they changed to a bigger bread. its more worth it but it isnt as nice anymore.

work was quite busy on fri. me and shar m didnt talk as much as usual and we were just making non-stop phonecalls to carton boxes suppliers. when we finally found one, we drove to jurong. we had to load the carton boxes onto the van and pack the logistics etc for the weekend, in btwn handling queries etc. but ok la. busy is good. i like.

sat morn was spent preparing and waiting. i think its v weird that i kept refusing help. but thats me i think. on one hand, i dont want to be blamed for doing a bad preparation. on the other, i dont want to trouble the rest. its just... urgh. in the end, as usual, i decided to take the latter option.

which reminds me, i was quite sian on fri cus both teckg and kent were sick and i dont know? teckg's case is understandable la. kent is just, i dont know? like, you dont take care of yourself and you fall sick and its just v spoiler lor seriously. its not exactly his fault but with the poor attendance, i cldnt help feeling sian. plus he was late for almost 1.5hrs. told him to rest and not go out he still went JB for supper. hai. nvm. i comforted myself its also to pump cheaper petrol to save costs when ferrying us. when teckg thought we were lazy to go down and buy ice, i really almost cried lor. not upset-cry but i dont know? like sometimes, you do all the shit and you still get more shit. as usual, i felt better after voicing out. i didnt want to say anything to anyone but i was really quite upset so i really had to say it out. i know. im not a v nice person not a v nice friend and im lazy and fat but i tried to be better. i guess im so naggy now and so irritable now cus im entering my menopause. er. obviously not. i guess i expected everyone to do things up to my own expectations also? which isnt good. and i nag bcus i care. i dont like, nag at adrian? i just dont really care. i did la i guess. but after a while of nagging, i just decided to give up. its your life. you choose how to live it. same goes for kent. its his life. he chooses what to do with it. i nag at him each time he smokes. but er. nvm whatever. i also dont wanna care anymore. as if my own life is doing great.

i need to smile more and be more friendly twds NEW people i meet.
i need to take in feedback and change for the better. (one day, teckg told me to stop saying certain things to certain pple abt certain stuff, and i tried to. but i also need to take in more impt feedback, like, how come they contemplated sacking me?)
i need to stop talking as much and be quiet. listening skills are v impt also. i suck at listening. i need to learn to listen and shut my mouth and stop being an irritating asshole.

nvm. enough of heavy stuff, on a lighter note, we played quite a few games at the chalet. bingo (with money!), saboteur (most of the time), im the boss, citadells, uglydoll & settlers... er thats all? the majority played frisbee too. i think they enjoyed. good for them. kent also played jenga with his friend michelle and erm yp. i feel bad rgd mich. but really. i cant socialise well. i wish i can make an effort to. i guess i just didnt bother. and she left cus we were playing im the boss non-stop and... sigh. nvm.

okok conclusion conclusion. enough of nv-ending nonsense!

resolutions:
to be nicer to yp!
to be nicer to teckg
to be much nicer to gw and make a better effort to improve the friendship
to be normal with kent? nth much to change. maybe dont talk to him as much. i cant help nagging at him for smoking and for not sleeping enough. teckg also. always overloads himself. he looked SUPER pale lor and we all wanted to hold his arm as he walked.
to forgive and forget. i will la. definitely. my memory is how cui.
to be more patient (actually, im not bad alrd. i feel. depends lor. maybe.)
to be nicer to my mum.
to make a philip a better boy. hes kinda... selfish and i dont know. but seriously, me and patrick really cannot tahan his weird behaviour sometimes. i had to shout at him last night cus he really irritated the hell out of me. patrick understood totally how i felt. glad he enjoyed la. i think so.

im super fat. ive been eating A LOT A LOT OF POTATOES (CARBO!). btw, our potatoes were super yums and our chicken also. omg. but i dont think we'll be bbqing again.

sorry for this entry. i think im just having PMS.